Emo Philips Quotes

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was tell...

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in hi...

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses y...

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they ar...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked ...

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.