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What about a teakettle? What if the spout opened and closed when the steam came out, so it would become a mouth, and it could whistle pretty melodies,...more

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Grandfather informs me that is not possible.

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I have tutored Little Igor to be a man of this world. For example, I exhibited him a smutty magazine three days yore, so that he should be appraised o...more

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I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.

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This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- two of them -- on the action, so that he would not o...more

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Anyway.I’m not allowed to watch TV, although I am allowed to rent documentaries that are approved for me, and I can read anything I want. My favorite ...more

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I know a lot about birds and bees, but I don't know very much about the birds and the bees. Everything I do know I had to teach myself on the Internet...more

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Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!

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...only someone who'd never been an animal would put up a sign saying not to feed them....