Humor Quotes

A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well,...

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out any quicker than the Christmas spir...

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must b...

Dixon was alive again. Consciousness was upon him before he could get out of the way; not for him th...

The best fiction is true.

I can't even make up a rhyme about an umbrella, let alone death and life and eternal peace.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

You see, in this country are a number of youths who do not like to work, and the college is an excel...

Now then, Mr. Crab," said the zebra, "here are the people I told you about; and they know more than ...

Man is an endangered species.

A girl’s got to use what she’s given and I’m not going to make a guy drool the way a Britney video d...

I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit s...

Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.

Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

God in his infinite wisdomDid not make me very wise-So when my actions are stupidThey hardly take Go...

Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

I shook my head. "I'm good, Nicky helped."Nicky looked at Edward. "She's having one of those what-if...

All I really wanted to do was cuddle back under the blankets, maybe with a certain stuffed toy pengu...

Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I ...

You can't save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can't save anyone. Each person ha...

Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the ...

Out last chance is a cat's magic sight. We are doomed.

I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a ...

Death didn't bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. ...

His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when ...

I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how wonderful it was.

He'd kill you all right. No sweat. But for the wrong reasons. Amateur's reasons. Of course, you'll b...

Once again, I've been thwarted by the massive difference between my vision of the successful me and ...

We have seen the best minds of our generation destroyed by boredom at poetry readings.

Both were military. That was clear.Reacher could tell by their haircuts. No civilian barber would be...

As a general rule. it's a comfort issue, literally and metaphorically. And intimacy issue. It's a bi...

Do you ever make silly mistakes? It is one of my very few creative activities.

There are never enough 'I love you's.

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.

Huxley: "Tell me something Bryce, do you know the difference between a Jersey, a Guernsey, a Holstei...

But there was another class of people, the real people. To this class they all belonged, and in it t...

Though the doctors treated him, let his blood, and gave him medications to drink, he nevertheless re...

In the legal respect, after the execution of the supposed incendiaries, the other half of Moscow bur...

he was one of those diplomats who like and know how to work, and, despite his laziness, he occasiona...

To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.

Be With Me In The Phases Of My Work Because My Brain Feels Like It Has Been Whipped And I Yearn To M...

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: ...

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful el...

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distribut...

If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.

As children', wrote Alice Raikes (Mrs. Wilson Fox) in The Times, January 22, 1932, 'we lived in Onsl...

Must a name mean something?" Alice asked doubtfully.Of course it must," Humpty Dumpty said with a sh...

Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'I daresay yo...

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to g...

It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be her...

Take some more tea," the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly."I've had nothing yet," Alice repl...

have i gone mad?im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.

Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop...

The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on the slates. "What are they doing?" Alice whispered...

Curiouser and curiouser.

Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name...

Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Nothing's impossible!

Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impos

Aren't you sometimes frightened at being planted out here, with nobody to take care of you?''There's...

How is it you can talk so nicely?' Alice said, hoping to get it into a better temper by a compliment...

At any rate I'd better be getting out of the wood, for really its coming on very dark. Do you think ...

Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas—only I don’t exactly know what they are!

Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.

Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing--turn your toes out when you walk---...

What Hamlet suffers from is a lack of zombies. Let us say Rosencrantz and Guildenstern show up—Ho-HO...

I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.

As a journalist, I am compelled to know the answers.""As a girl, I am compelled to protect what's le...

Oh, I didn't think it wise to hide it. Might not be able to find it again," I say, cheerily. "It's s...

I will never, ever drink whiskey again. From now on, it's strictly sherry.

...There's an -or- in -whore- because you always have a choice to respect your body and say no.

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step to...

...I think we should find some kind of shelter; a cave or something.""I don't want to do that! What ...

I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

A man bumps me on his busy way without so much as an apology. But that is all right. I forgive you, ...

I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a s...

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Felicity and Ann hunched over their ornaments as if they were...

Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?""What's the point of that, Miss?" the waiter said."To...

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

Just remember, we're all in this alone.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo...

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

I have something that I call my Golden Rule. It goes something like this: 'Do unto others twenty-fiv...

Talk is cheap. Show me the code.

Miss Vesper Holly has the digestive talents of a goat and the mind of a chess master. She is familia...

-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful."-"It was stupid.

Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, ...

Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cel...

I brug you two [gifts] . . . I gots the little here in my pockie.' He dug one hand deep into his poc...

Not that I haven't leaped up into the blinding light of competence now and then. It's sustaining the...

The strangeness of the Barrayaran government system with all its unwritten customs, pressed on Corde...

That civet-jasmine blend you're wearing tonight absolutely clashes with the third-level formal style...

Anyway, if the Cetagandans really wanted to assassinate you, they'd hardly do it here. They'd slip s...

It was suicide, wasn't it?""In an involuntary sort of way," said Vorob'yev. "These Cetagandan politi...