Lewis Black Quotes

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that c...

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distribut...

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a po...

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of op...

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is th...

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You sh...

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it ...

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve go...

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension fast...

They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen...

I'm not a big birthday guy I never have been.

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that cours...

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar...

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines...

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion ...

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing ...

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in th...

Just relax and breathe through your ass.