Funny Quotes

Rayna found a makeover show on TV-one of those where they sneak up on unsuspecting people going abou...

That's so cute! They have birdbaths in the church!

Pleased to meet you." Sage said, offering his hand. "The pleasure is all mine," Rayna Purred. "Unles...

Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' -...

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the o...

People often think that you have a sense of humor because you think that life is funny. Life isn't f...

I was shown into a room. A red room. Red wallpaper, red curtains, red carpet. They said it was a sit...

What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! Peopl...

The two keys to success as a sportswriter are: 1) A blind willingness to believe anything you're tol...

I think sometimes my humor is extremely dry, and a lot of times I would say things that I thought we...

This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away a...

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' ...

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a gh...

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a gh...

I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not funn...

I used to love being the class clown. I loved to make jokes and make people laugh. There was a set o...

I took her dress over to the closet and hung it up. It was funny. It made me feel sort of sad when I...

All mothers are slightly insane.

Oh, God, if I'm anything by a clinical name, I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I think people are ...

I know more damn perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they’re always being p...

You take a very handsome guy, or a guy that thinks he's a real hot-shot, and they're always asking y...

You don't seem to need many qualifications to liaise with Muggles; all they want is an OWL in Muggle...

Wow, we're identical!

But you would think, wouldn't you, that getting hit forty-five times in the neck with a blunt axe wo...

Being fed, and having a soft bed, and other people being in charge, seemed the most wonderful prospe...

Her voice was now so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon, but she had reached a level of ...

IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY!

Oh, of course," said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort...

I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but safety first!

The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermion...

Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied t...

Oh, there you are, Albus,' he said. 'You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?''No, I was merely ...

Parvati positively beamed. Harry could tell that she was feeling guilty for having laughed at Hermio...

Look, why don't you go talk to Ron about all this?" Harry asked."Well, I would, but he's always asle...

I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan

You know, I don’t get why Fred and George only got three O.W.L.s each,” said Harry, watching as Fred...

So,” sneered Fudge, recovering himself, “you intend to take on Dawlish, Shacklebolt, Dolores, and my...

Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Fr...

Fred and George exchanged looks."You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?" said Fred in a f...

I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursely.

Never try to understand the students. They hate it. They would much rather be tragically misundersto...

One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.

Yeah,” said Harry. “No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly...

Don't worry. You're just as sane as I am-Luna Lovegood

It's alright" said a dreamy voice from beside Harry as Ron vanished into the coach's dark interior. ...

At least my happiness doesn't depend on Ron's goalkeeping ability.

Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?""I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!"...

Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And...

You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?" said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later...

Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if...

Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me." "Say 'please.'" "Don't mess with...

A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument...and the occasional bar fight.

There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing i...

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Hell freezing over? I don't know. But the devil's definitely wearing a sweater.

Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day?

He did not go much further, but sat down on the cold floor and gave himself up to complete miserable...

If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration...

Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for ...

Bad writing, it is easily verified, has never kept scholarship from being published.

Why is she afraid?" he asked. "She's not Anjin-san. Just a little nervous. Please excuse her. She's ...

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

Jesus was a bachelor and never lived with a woman. Surely living with a woman is one of the most dif...

—Then, said Cranly, you do not intend to become a protestant?—I said that I had lost the faith, Step...

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

Marianne would have thought herself very inexcusable had she been able to sleep at all the first nig...

Honor is kind of what you get when you weaponize manners ...

I got mixed up with some oddness in my youth, and the long and short of it is that I can't shuffle o...

Truly competent Literary Detectives are as rare as truthful men, Mr. Tweed -- you can see her potent...

How about this,' I said. 'We modify our plans with regard to ongoing facts as they become known to u...

The intercom buzzes while you're changing your shirt. You push the Talk button: "Who is it?" "Narcot...

Now it is easy to perceive that the moral part of love is a factitious sentiment, engendered by soci...

Jose: Do not drop me senorJeff:i wont drop you,joseJose:then i be jose jalapeno on the floorPeanut:d...

Jeff- "A Hanukkah tradition is making potato pancakes. For something a little different, use a sweet...

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes...

He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long ...

A romantic comedy has to be funny and make you think about life but the obstacle that has to be over...

I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop ...

It was funny that rank-and-file evangelicals were ahead of all the leadership. They saw for decades ...

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What the hell kind of Hell was this supposed to be?

There is no spoon.

I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.

Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?"Bob's eyes darted nervously. "I'd . . . prefer not to...

Let come the forces of night! We will stand!" "We will get the hell out of here is what we will do,"...

I know you haven't burned down any buildings in a while," she said, "but if you start feeling the ne...

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.

Tropical trees had been planted throughout the room, along with bright flowering plants that were bu...

BLARGLE SLORG NOTH HARGHLE FTHAGN! You know. The usual.

You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex."Bob's ...

Yes, I was standing on nothing but congealed starlight. Yes, I was walking up through a savage storm...

That woman," Grimm said quietly, "drives me quite insane."Kettle grunted. "Why'd you marry her, then...

In the void, there is no distinction of east and west."Gwen blinked slightly at that. "I know all of...

We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am s...

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.