Humour Quotes

[Lou]: “I’m not talking about the angioplasty. I mean the stuff you’re pumping into me. What is it? ...

[Lou]: “I’m not talking about the angioplasty. I mean the stuff you’re pumping into me. What is it? ...

This Earle of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at whi...

The difference ‘twixt poet and coxcomb is precisely that the latter stops gaps like a ship fitter ca...

The clown knows that life is cruel. The ancient jester's motley coloured costume turned his usually ...

It's supposed to be automatic, but actually you have to push this button.

She recalled him as a forceful and witty speaker with a ready repartee and a penetrating voice. He h...

Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, h...

Mission accomplished' I said.Pudge my friend we are indefuckingstructable.

The only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two ...

Oh shit did you just dis the feminine genderI'll pummel your ass then stick you in a blenderYou thin...

We are literally in the heart of Jesus," he said."I thought we were in a church basement, but we are...

The champagne had been donated by one of Gus's doctors - Gus being the kind of person who inspires d...

Headline?" he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Hom...

Thanks for not trying to see me when I looked like hell.”“To be fair, you still look pretty bad.

A sharp bolt of hunger hit Luther hard. His knees almost buckled, his poker face almost grimaced. Fo...

...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a...

It smells terrible in here.'Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certai...

Half my life is an act of revision.

Life is serious but art is fun!

Had that poor Reilly kook really been proud of Levy Pants? He had always said that he was. That was ...

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it t...

Of the things which nourish the imagination, humour is one of the most needful, and it is dangerous ...

Check-ups are, in my experience, a grave mistake; all they do is allow the quack of your choice to t...

It's unwise to pay too much, but it's worse to pay too little. Whenyou pay too much, you lose a litt...

I always wanted to be a juvenile delinquent but my parents wouldn't let me.

The difficulty with humourists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don't whichev...

Aren't maids the ultimate art critics?

Gossip till the cows come home.

She's become a Russian again, he thought. When something works, she's grateful. When it doesn't work...

If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up i...

If anyone else asked that question, O He Who Is Terrible and Great, I would have said they were an i...

And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.

His rapier was at his belt, glittering as he swung. He reached down, ripped the sword clear. I jumpe...

There was a profound silence, abruptly broken by an enormously loud rumble from George's stomach. Pl...

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone els...

It's a shame that we have to choose between two such second-rate countries as the USSR and the USA.

Caricature: putting the face of a joke upon the body of a truth.

The man up there raged aloud in two languages, and with a sincerity in his fury that almost convince...

The captain was a good chess player, and the games were always interesting. Yossarian had stopped pl...

But Yossarian knew he was right, because, as he explained to Clevinger, to the best of his knowledge...

Colonel Cathcart is our commanding officer and we must obey him. Why don't you fly four more mission...

Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one spot.

If the apocalypse comes...beep me!

Tonight sucks. And look at me. Look at - look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and-and-and fre...

Spike: Bloody hell, woman, you're cutting off my circulation!Buffy: You don't have any circulation.S...

If every vampire who said he was at The Crucifixion, was actually there, it would have been like Woo...

Every day's a negotiation and sometimes it's done with guns.

Sadly, I hate foreigners. And Americans. And animals. And flora, and some fauna. Also the magma that...

I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in...

It is the most fun I’m ever going to have. I love to write. I love it. I mean, there’s nothing in th...

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

There was this other apocalypse this one time. And, well, I took off. But this time, I don't... I do...

Shiny, let's be bad guys!

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SH...

There's a time and place for everything, and I believe it’s called 'fan fiction'.

I also felt that Ron and Hermione would have gotten divorced. I'm sorry, I just do. The end of Harry...

He's like Super Librarian, y'know? Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.

All worthy work is open to interpretations the author did not intend. Art isn't your pet -- it's you...

That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. She is an albatross, Captain. Way I remem...

The thing about changing the world... Once you do it, the world's all different.

Back in my day, which was about a week and a half ago, we took our lumps and we got back up and we c...

It may not feel too classy, begging just to eat But you know who does that?Lassie, and she always ge...

The church has never been asked to explain anything, our speciality, along with ballistics, has alwa...

Phileas Fogg, having shut the door of his house at half-past eleven, and having put his right foot b...

I believe in myself like a five-year-old believes in himself. They say look at me, look at me! Then ...

Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God.

Democracy means the opportunity to be everyone's slave.

I’d heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didn’t think it meant the creatures that ...

A dog has got human eyes.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down wi...

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions ...

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a s...

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to...

I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy Rice Krispies and a spicy biscu...

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by...

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting,...

I could eat a knob at night.

The only way I can describe the extent of my anxiety is to say that I felt as if I were pregnant wit...

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had...

Mother, who has an absolute belief that it is not the cards that one is dealt in life, it is how one...

When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must b...

... all his faces were designed to express rage or loathing. Now that something had happened which r...

To refer even in passing to unpublished or struggling authors and their problems is to put oneself a...

America takes her writers too seriously.

Friday night was the night most people thought they were supposed to have fun. Trouble was most peop...

Some of my best friends are women,' I snapped, 'though I certainly wouldn't want my daughter to marr...

You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.

God in his infinite wisdomDid not make me very wise-So when my actions are stupidThey hardly take Go...

When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed

If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.

Reacher prowled the hallway, his gun stiff-armed way out in front of him, his torso jerking violentl...

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

I'm not a goose, you're the gooses for crying over nothing

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a po...

No Ghost of any common sense begins a conversation