Comedy Quotes

My brothers were funny, and there was a lot of shtick and comedy and nastiness and violence and figh...

Doing comedy for a living is, in a lot of ways, like a pony and a camel trying to escape from the zo...

Debbie Downer" was one of the few sketches where I broke, and I remember watching Heratio Sanz laugh...

These days, you could stage a three-point orgy in the garden and nobody would bat an eye...

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.

Come here, let me share a bit of wisdom with you.Have you given much thought to our mortal condition...

Come here, let me share a bit of wisdom with you.Have you given much thought to our mortal condition...

DEATH. . .And now you are here to fight for this woman.You know her promise is given.She has to die ...

Comedy too can sometimes discern what is right.

What can you answer? Now be careful, don’t arouse my spite, Or with my slipper I’ll take you napping...

The life of every individual, viewed as a whole and in general, and when only its most significant f...

And because she worshipped joy, Kira seldom laughed and did not go to see comedies in theaters. And ...

That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything els...

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it tak...

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that...

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and ...

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own ...

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm ...

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll...

I was definitely not the kid that just wanted to be famous for no reason whatsoever and then happene...

At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I'm also open to the fact...

MmmmmmI like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it

I put a chameleon on a red dildo... He blushed

I didn't know I was cool, but I was very flattered that some of the younger comedy writers came up t...

There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep fro...

Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes and troubles...

Don’t do anything stupid.""Don’t worry," I whispered over the line, "I’m an expert on stupid.""You’r...

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and ...

Thank you. For being willing to talk. For not turning me in. For... being you.''I'm pretty good at b...

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I wen...

is there any I could get a glass of water?"[waiter]There is no way... I toss and turn many a night t...

Right then, in a nutshell: this one hasn't a single bone of obedient-little-wife material in her hea...

It is the custom on the stage: in all good, murderous melodramas: to present the tragic and the comi...

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, peopl...

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite th...

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good...

Let's not call physical comedy falling down and pratfalls. All humor is physical, no matter how you ...

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black gu...

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

It takes intelligence to make real comedy, and it takes a reality base to create all that little stu...

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my ...

According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time....

Ah! good Sir! no Whores before Dinner, I beseech

Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They’re b...

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say w...

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on slut...

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist ...

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.

The girl says "Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not ma...

So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked...

For a romantic comedy to be three hours long, that's longer than most marriages.

Commercial comedy's often set up to feature an ironist makingdevastating sport of someone who's naiv...

Life in the movie business is like the beginning of a new love affair: it's full of surprises, and y...

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and ...

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I...

I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This wo...

Artist communities love to bullshit each other and glad-hand one another, and there's no room for th...

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays

The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat.

Yes. They are the words that finally turned me into the hermit I have now become. It was quite sudde...

It faintly irritated him that Zaphod had to impose some ludicrous fantasy on to the scene to make it...

You barbarians!' he yelled. 'I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! I'll have you hung, draw...

I wanted to join Footlights,” he says. “I wanted to be a writer-performer like the Pythons. In fact ...

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

A Wasn’t just isn't. He just isn't present. But you… You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant!

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it'...

The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called 'Ironic' and it is written by a woman who ...

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom li...

Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see.

I am a big fan of the old Howard Hawks films from the 30s and 40s, I was a big Hepburn and Tracey fa...

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, ...

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn'...

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

All children in those small-town, unhurried days had a vast inner life going on in the movies. Child...

For the record, folks; I never took a shit on stage and the closest I ever came to eating shit anywh...

I like to watch the news, because I don't like people very much and when you watch the news ... if y...

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs tr...

The Ultimate Rule ought to be: 'If it sounds GOOD to you, it's bitchin'; if it sounds BAD to YOU, it...

Sin and grace, absence and presence, tragedy and comedy, they divide the world between them and wher...

... the preacher speaks both the word of tragedy and the word of comedy because they are both of the...

We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, sa...

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still le...

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. The...

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

The animals were happy as they had never conceived it possible to be. Every mouthful of food was an ...

Laughter is the only free emotion - the only one that can't be compelled. We can be made to fear. We...

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

The Prince stood beside the timpanist to count his rests for him and see that he came in in the righ...