Chelsea Handler Quotes

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do t...

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps ...

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted ...

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looki...

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about...

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mothe...

Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's wha...

That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effor...

I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen i...

It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us...

I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of a...

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush sp...

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good...

Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the ...

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery perio...

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every ...

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to ...

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite th...

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. ...

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retrieve...

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I wo...

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, peopl...

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested ...

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you ord...

Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean...

Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to he...

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink ag...

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger...

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and cal...

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? B...

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jump...

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose....

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money ...

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into canni...

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby...

I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.

E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas....

I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consist...

We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of th...

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe ca...

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries...

I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denia...