Humorous Quotes

I let out a sound that was definitely not a whimper. It was something far more manly, no matter what...

Heavens, no," Wax said. "If I approved of half the thngs Wayne does, Harmony would probably strike m...

Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards...Honestly, Kell, I'd nearly fo...

Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man r...

He didn’t recruit me,” Cett pointed out. “I got pulled by my balls into this little fiasco.”“I wish ...

And are you going to explain why you consider competing with me to be the most sincere form of compl...

In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom.

Even if you haven't had the exclusivity conversation, they're still going to be mad if they find out...

And I remind you of your mother now? I have got to look into a manlier cologne.

I love round tables," said Magnus brightly. "They suit me so much better than square.

You might want to lie down," Magnus advised. "I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrib...

Has there ever been an Inquisitor who didn't die a horrible death?" Simon wondered out loud. " It's ...

Goodness, that stuff rips like paper,” she exclaimed, reaching to pull her tank top off. She was hal...

Scrawny little mundane bastard.

Jessamine blew out her cheeks in exasperation. "I think you ought to let me take poor Tessa into tow...

I suspect he's sweet on Sophie and doesn't like to see her work too hard.'Tessa was glad to hear it....

Eggs," said Henry dreamily, looking at his plate. "I do love eggs. I could eat them all day.

He has become a worm. That is what I am telling you.""I don't suppose it would be possible," said He...

By the Angel, this place is barely better than a penny gaff,” Gideon said. “Gabriel, don’t look at a...

The carrier's horse was the laziest horse in the world, I should hope, and shuffled along, with his ...

...and who must have had something real about her, or she could not have existed, but it certainly w...

He was rather a low sort of pony. The fact is, he had been originally jobbed out by the day, and he ...

Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism, are all very good words for the lips.

I'm a devil at a quick mistake, and when I make one it takes the form of Lead.

When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were s...

We are a bed business, and a coffee-room business. We are not a general dining business, nor do we w...

My impression is, after many years of consideration, that there never can have been anybody in the w...

Mr. Wopsle's great-aunt kept an evening school in the village; that is to say, she was a ridiculous ...

After that, he drank all the rest of the sherry, and Mr. Hubble drank the port, and the two talked (...

She was a most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from story to story was a m...

I'm pretty well. So's the family, and so's the boys, except for a sort of rash as is a running throu...

He executed his commission with great promptitude and dispatch, only calling at one public-house for...

I really am a little afraid, my dear,” hinted the cherub meekly, “that you are not enjoying yourself...

Casting my eyes on Mr. Wemmick as we went along, to see what he was like in the light of day, I foun...

You are a curse in my life!

Steampunk is nothing more than what happens when Goths discover brown.

What do they say about meeting a bear in the woods? Oh right, you shouldn't. And to make sure you do...

You can't beat me. I have the mind of a warlock with adonis DNA. Winning!

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries...

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite th...

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to ...

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery perio...

Of all the skills necessary for her work, what she was perhaps worst at was being polite to inanimat...

The lawbreaking itch is not always an anarchic one. In the first place, the human personality has (o...

Perhaps we humans are still in command, and perhaps there really will be a conventional robot war in...

The tiny space, the toilet, two hundred strangers just a few inches away, it's so exciting, the lack...

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

A woman calls from Seaview to say her linen closet is missing. Last September, her house had six bed...

Where would Jesus be if no one ever wrote the gospels?

I refuse to give readers an uplifting faux experience engineered to comfort them and perpetuate the ...

Before her birth was she an idea? Before her birth was she dead? And after her birth she would die? ...

While like most men, Sam prided himself on being equipped with a supernatural internal compass that ...

Time flies when you're falling down"...(not from a book, it's a lyric)

I think that I was too self-centered to ever develop good skills as a peacemaker. In my younger days...

Don't be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling.""I did...

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of fallin...

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all b...

I don't care how impossible it seems.

AN ACADEMIC DEFINITION of Lynchian might be that the term "refers to a particular kind of irony wher...

She smelled of talcum powder and Big Red.

The better organized the state, the duller its humanity.

The first of ‘Goose’s Two Laws of Survival.’ It runs thus, ‘The weak are meat the strong do eat.’ ” ...

But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility...

I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had fiv...

One year I went as a pirate, but from then on I went as a hobo. It's a word you don't hear anymore. ...

Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potat...

Well, thank the gods,' he sighed.'Oh? And what would it be you're thanking them for?' Bahzell inquir...

Vegtables, what food eats before it becomes food.

If you have to pay the bills, and you write something you're not proud of, use a pen-name for that.

Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton.

Chyna Shepherd, untouched and alive and able to pee.

Hand-to-hand combat with three hundred pounds of screaming monkey menace is not my idea of a fair fi...

In a way it was worth it, she thought, except that it was such a total waste.

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to re...

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age o...

But unless we determine to take action,' said the old man querulously, as if struggling against some...

There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.

He will work off his crudities in time. I rather mistrust young men who slip into life gracefully.

Indeed! I am truly glad to hear it. I always always fond of Osborne; and, do you know, I never reall...

You learn to smile even in you liver?''Even in my lire, Ketut. Big smile in my liver.

Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude dia...

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to...

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.

The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.

They can afford to smile because they all have teeth so dazzling if they dropped them in the snow th...

Mothers of America let your kids go to the movies! get them out of the house so they won't know what...

Nigromanta took him to her room, which was lighted with false candlesticks, to her folding cot with ...

He soon acquired the forlorn look that one sees in vegetarians.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are...

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Sane people did what their neighbours did, so that if any lunatics were at large, one might know and...

I only need half my wits to be a match for you.

Now, how do you suppose this queen will react when you turn up with your begging bowl in hand and sa...

…When you’ve know me longer, you’ll learn that I mean everything I say.”“Even the lies?”“Especially ...

Are you certain they never cut your member off?" Tormund gave a shrug, as if to say he would never u...

Overflowing with the milk of human kindness, the family had invited everyone they could think of, in...

It's all your fault, Mother,' said Larry austerely; 'you shouldn't have brought us up to be so selfi...