Eoin Colfer Quotes

Tonight, history was going to be made. And it wasn't the discovery-of-radium, first-man-on-the-moon ...

If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away.

She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the mom...

I am Butler. Anything I say sounds scary.

Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the f...

Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.

*to thor* Zeus had replied that he had pulled fluffballs of lint out of his bellybutton that were bi...

The humans were protecting their heritage, or so they thought. Strange that Mud Men seem more concer...

Well, I don't like the first bit and I don't know the last bit. So I'm really hoping the middle bit ...

Victor Vigny: A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary look...

Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done.” He winked at Bu...

Good. Illegal is always faster.

Why can't I solve this problem by killing someone? she though petulantly, then comforted herself wit...

Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre."Myles: "In Paris...

She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better tha...

We are different, my friend. We are visionaries. A monkey looks up and sees and banana, and that is ...

I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake.

Hey, bodyguard. You better get down to the gymnasium. This jumbo pixie guy is killing your sister." ...

Today he became a killer, or else a corpse.

Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.

Young love is common, but that doesn't mean it's not precious.

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees ...

Are you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down?

Conor, I could search the world for another swashbuckling scientist, but I doubt if I would find one...

A pity to survive night flights over St. Georges Channel only to crack my skull falling from a ladde...

Naturally, we lunatics are the kindest of the bunch.

He had seen bigger men than he with mummy's handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in ...

Toadstool mandarins are a form of toxic jellyfish whose tentacles are loaded with entheogenic venom....

Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.

... even one centimetre can make an awful lot of difference when you don't have many to spare.

What's this?" he inquired, none too pleasantly. "A circus?""No, Julius. It's the end of the circus."...

The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting.

this was business.

No one's ever really ready for a troll.

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

It was no time for mercy, it was time to terminate with extreme prejudice.

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

... desperate times required judicious risk-taking.

Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.

Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moro...

A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.

I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?

I don't like lollipops.

Ambition had a price, and that price was friendship.

Foaly: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foaly: The ...

Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.

You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.'Nope,' I replied.

Excuse me, Tex," the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babi...

In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are sm...

We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon.

The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not ...

Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from...

I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?

Well, young man, have you found anyone worthy of your respect?"Artemis smiled back. "Yes," he said. ...

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude dia...

Who or what inspires you?""I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and...

Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!

You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I m...

Orion nodded, then asked, “Dwarf cheese?”“Cheese made by dwarfs.”“Oh,” said Orion, relieved. “They m...

Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing...

Orion brightened. "I have an idea.""Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remaine...

How do I love thee? wondered Orion. "Let me see. I love thee passionately and eternally...obviously ...

That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it...

No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's m...

A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.

Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that ...

Careful, Mr. Spiro, guns are dangerous. Especially the end with the hole.

The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head.

Certain battles were won by retreating.

So, Mr. Digence, home to visit the family?""That's right. My mother's folks are from Killarney.""Oh,...

Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.

Don't hate me forever, Arty," whispered Holly. "I couldn't bear that.

Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her... he could properly appreciate how ...

That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart.

Holly clambered after him, struggling up the human-size steps. "Wait! Just wait," she called, overta...

How could you...? How?""Logically you have no right to be angry. I simply followed your l

Wait," said Butler. "Just wait, Holly. Artemis has a plan." He squinted through the green dome. "Wha...

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled t...

How did that go” [Butler] asked. “Your first lengthy conversation with a girl your own age.”“Fabulou...

What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wo...

Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or ...

No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.

Giving evidence against one's employers was the first step to unemployment.

Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.

Some people just needed to be stolen from.

The sun was already long past the spire when Garrick purchased a mug of coffee from his regular man ...

The Theory of Evolution has more holes in it than a dam made out of Swiss cheese.

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger se...

Who are you?" he asked.I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me a...

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test q...

Of course I saved you," she said. "I couldn't do without you." And because she was happy and flushed...

how does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant.Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magical re...

Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, toleran...

I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."Opal tapped the sug...

They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enli...

Genius inspires resentment. A sad fact of life.

They have gone. And the tunnel is about to close. So, boys, I am looking for someone to blame.

Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.