Erma Bombeck Quotes

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off o...

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes on...

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are u...

When God Created Mothers"When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "over...

Laugh now, cry later.

Girls mature faster than boys, cost more to raise, and statistics show that the old saw about girls ...

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if...

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog ...

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a st...

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my hu...

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their...

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's...

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the...

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up...

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

I am not a glutton-I am an explorer of food.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a s...

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say "Yes I've got dreams of course I'v...

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting...

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, ...

Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you...

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerato...

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Never lend your car to someone you've given birth to.

The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and to...

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country the American dollar wil...

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times...

We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so th...

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gift...

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but moth...

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for go live with a car battery.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessor...

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're mergi...

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work...

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white...

But some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a ...

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accou...

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are thre...

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.

My mother phones daily to ask "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no she adds "So if yo...

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've nev...

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishe...

Housework can kill you if done right.

I read one psychologist's theory that said "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strik...

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians ...

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to...

I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if ...

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned,...

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white...

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put "I love Mom" on the license plat...

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog...