George Carlin Quotes

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci,...

In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your pric...

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us u...

Life is tough, then you die.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...

Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choic...

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Electricity is really just organized lightning

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...

Nothing worse... nothing worse that to be stuck somewhere with some married a-hole and have to liste...

I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I thin...

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite direct...

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. Wha...

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what ...

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the aspha...

Religion is just mind control.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good t...

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as...

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They...

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a t...

You're just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being sho...

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuc...

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...

I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the lo...

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...

Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares...

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let ...

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, ...

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighte...

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to b...

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could...

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...

I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...

People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...

Sports fans eat shit.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that i...

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to pi...

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half o...

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...

Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make n...

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender...

People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewher...

But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rath...

Fuck rational thought

You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fo...

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...

I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committi...

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with hu...

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for theexistence of UFOs as there is for ...

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and...