Bill Maher Quotes

New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your lapt...

New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newb...

New Rule: America must stop bragging it's the greatest country on earth, and start acting like it. I...

New Rule: Stop pretending your drugs are morally superior to my drugs because you get yours at a sto...

New Rule: Death isn’t always sad. This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell died, and millions of Americ...

Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy? And the fort...

New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that m...

New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than...

New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house....

Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents...

New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American chees...

If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.

New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environmen...

New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in f...

New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re American...

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. Yo...

New Rule: Conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word "France." Like...

New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have ...

Forget bringing the troops home from Iraq. We need to get the troops home from World War II. Can any...

New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we ca...

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the...

New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for elimi...

New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL ...

New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of...

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that fol...

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to...

If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellec...

If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the be...

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat the...

We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence brief...

I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you th...

I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?

NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has ...

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me...

Every day in America is a day with a shooting.

First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely ...

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's over...

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that th...

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of o...

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized ho...

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

Fascism is when corporations become the government.

I'm always amazed at the human capacity to not make fundamental changes, but instead merely adapt. I...

They" hate us because they feel--and "they" are not wrong--that it is within our power to do so much...

Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex c...

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation th...

For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. "Look out, Al-Qaed...

I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.

If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, ho...

There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over an...

Jesus is great -- is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in betwee...

It is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What's ridiculous is that other peopl...

Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.

First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely ...

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!

This is the opposite of the free market.

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurologic...

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country bette...

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "hig...

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.

Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as...

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We...

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s ...

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll...

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most cer...

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops...

Men are only as loyal as their options.

We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home.

But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it's being ignored. To a person with ...

We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presi...

Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more o

[F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics," ...

We preach about capitalism and the beauty of unfettered market forces determining price--but not whe...

True patriotism is doing something for your country.

Isn't it time we asked ourselves, are we willing to accept any behavior codified within religious or...

It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really ...

America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaki...

The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people.

Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have ever...

We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdi...

I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.

Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.

It's not that we don't care--it's just that that we'd prefer not to get involved.

But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.