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There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm ...more

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The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

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To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

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New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair...more

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You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lotte...more

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Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

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To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you k...more

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I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.

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I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.

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Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

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And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us aga...more

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New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing ...more

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New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to th...more

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New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing an...more

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New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in t...more