"

There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm ...more

"

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

"

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

"

New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair...more

"

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lotte...more

"

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

"

I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.

"

I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.

"

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

"

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us aga...more

"

New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing ...more

"

New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to th...more

"

New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing an...more

"

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

"

New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears...more