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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

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[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new...more

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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

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We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” And the greates...more

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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And t...more

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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

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As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

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I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.

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Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is defin...more

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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

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Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom

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It's never just a game when you're winning.

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I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I r...more

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You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can...more

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Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.