Comedian Quotes

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. ...

The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever...

Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. A...

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", i...

Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. A...

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", i...

Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. A...

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", i...

Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. A...

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", i...

If you pray for rain long enough, it eventually does fall. If you pray for floodwaters to abate, the...

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker,

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine li...

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries...

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite th...

The comedian sticks as religiously to her theme as a dancer sticks to a diet.