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You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

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Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive...more

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This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at ...more

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Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construc...more

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Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits bet...more

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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

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The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

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I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand...more

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Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that gr...more

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My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am remin...more

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While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I wo...more

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Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his po...more

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My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of...more

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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

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I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.