Craig Ferguson Quotes

Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama....

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of the...

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same ti...

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over...

I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country an...

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other pe...

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I bre...

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long dayAnd you've got the sandman at your door. But hang on, l...

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Ja...

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' se...

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being than...

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!...

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm n...

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the...

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman...

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog exce...

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other s...

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are ca...

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Ch...

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son o...

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say w...

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with y...

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Claus...

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a g...

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this nee...

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close t...

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without ...

Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It wa...

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be in...

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a wor...

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the suppo...

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and ha...

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What c...

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you lo...

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-ag...

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I ha...

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even th...

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but d...

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could...

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that...

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Ne...

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.Infal...

I told her that I didn't want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs. "Listen," s...

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knac...

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain ...

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. T...

I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and acr...

America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only beca...

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and...

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattere...

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, s...

Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagree...

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be...

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict ru...

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when th...

The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back...

Hey dawg, wassup?" he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an at...