Groucho Marx Quotes

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I've had a wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Room service? Send up a larger room."]

When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my p...

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...

Humor is reason gone mad.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is w...

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up ...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all ...

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've tr...

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at th...

It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is w...

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a ...

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes' you know he is crooked.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or ...

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or ...

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.