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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

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Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a littl...more

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Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like...more

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Humor is reason gone mad.

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When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

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Room service? Send up a larger room."]

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If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

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A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

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From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.