"

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

"

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

"

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

"

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a littl...more

"

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like...more

"

Humor is reason gone mad.

"

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

"

Room service? Send up a larger room."]

"

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

"

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

"

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

"

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

"

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

"

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

"

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.