Jim Gaffigan Quotes

The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.

TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are ...

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.

Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the red...

In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why don’t we get lunch, and t...

I love the phrase "I have a sweet tooth." I always want to say, "You're ordering it for your tooth? ...

There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money t...

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird market...

I was only hit on once at the grocery store. I remember it was early one Saturday morning and I was ...

Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food th...

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am s...

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them they're like museums full of good food. It's...

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to...

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of...

I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food...

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings...

When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and ...

Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being...

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re ...

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I th...

I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the ...

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what yo...

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze lon...