"The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.
~ Jim Gaffigan ~












I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.

More Jim Gaffigan quotes
"We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “W...
"For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful l...
"I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
"People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling b...
"Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming ...
"I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t like. I feel guilty when I drop them o...
"When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.
"I was only hit on once at the grocery store. I remember it was early one Saturday morning and I was buying my daily bacon, when I got tapped on the sh...