Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess ...

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty...

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to s...

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.

It's good to play and you must keep in practice.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits th...

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a l...

Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look a...

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, t...

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blo...

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if...

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and...

The best revenge is living well.

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on whe...

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on m...

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know...

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know ...

We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a l...