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Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

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Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

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It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

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When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how mu...more

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This explains why, whenever a person says sie to me, I generally try to kill him, if a stranger.

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I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the “lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositi...more

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If a cat sits on a hot stove, that cat won't sit on a hot stove again. That cat won't sit on a cold stove either. That cat just don't like stoves.

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I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English―it is the modern way and the best way....more

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The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

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A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

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My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

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I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

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A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

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I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.