"

Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.

"

Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If cavemen had known how to laugh, history would have been different.

"

The first moment someone calls for a revolution is usually the last moment I take them seriously.

"

Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalr...more

"

However, I suppose VH1 *is* selling me something; they're selling nostalgia, which means they're selling my own memories back to me, which means they'...more

"

Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose.

"

If you've spent any time trolling the blogosphere, you've probably noticed a peculiar literary trend: the pervasive habit of writers inexplicably plac...more

"

Necessity used to be the mother of invention, but then we ran out of things that were necessary.

"

If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.

"

But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience...more

"

Outcasts may grow up to be novelists and filmmakers and computer tycoons, but they will never be the athletic ruling class.

"

There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving ...more

"

I once loved a girl who almost loved me, but not as much as she loved John Cusack.

"

When exactly did every housewife in America become a whore?

"

...I've spent the last fifteen years of my life railing against the game of soccer, an exercise that has been lauded as "the sport of the future" sinc...more