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Wit has truth in it wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

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Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you--And if that makes you happy, kid,You...more

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I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

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That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

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Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

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The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

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She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

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I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.

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And there was that poor sucker Flaubert rolling around on his floor for three days looking for the right word.

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It costs me never a stab nor squirm / To tread by chance upon a worm. / Aha, my little dear, / I say, Your clan will pay me back one day.

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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

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Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

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Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.

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Why is it no one sent me yet one perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get one perfect rose.

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Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.