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No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards sho...more

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Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Wh...more

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Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

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Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will ...more

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I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

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Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an ...more

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It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.

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Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

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I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

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If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on th...more

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My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

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Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

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Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I w...more

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Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of "I think I'm a loser," try "I definitely am a loser." Stop being wishy-washy about...more

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When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have ...more