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Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

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No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards sho...more

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Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Wh...more

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Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attract...more

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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

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Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an ...more

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Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

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One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

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Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on th...more

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You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.

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It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.

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Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

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Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

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I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?