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Pearls are congealed oyster spit.

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He said, I won't have one of those things in the house. It gives a young girl a false notion of beauty, not to mention anatomy. If a real woman was bu...more

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My parents are like younger, urchinlike brothers and sisters whose faces are dirty and who blurt out humiliating things that can neither be anticipate...more

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I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.

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A writer's age at the time of a work's composition is never irrelevant.

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How could I be sleeping with this particular man.... Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.

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The male frog, in mating season," said Crake, "makes as much noise as it can. The females are attracted to the male frog with the biggest, deepest voi...more

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He was a dork, a dink, a dong… Why should the male member be used as a term of abuse? No man hated his own dorkdinkdong, quite the opposite. But maybe...more

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I'm not senile," I snapped. "If I burn the house down it will be on purpose.

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...He was wrong about the sadness though: far better to have it when you're young. A sad pretty girl inspires the urge to console, unlike a sad old cr...more

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What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college-educated the whole time!

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Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his dick?

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All you have to do, I tell myself, is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard.

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Think of yourselves as pearls. We, sitting in our rows, eyes down, we make her salivate morally. We are hers to define, we must suffer her adjectives....more

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There's just one thing I want you to remember. You know those chemicals women have in them, when they've got PMS? Well, men have the very same chemica...more