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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

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I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

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The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

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I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

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I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

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We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove li...more

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It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the pruden...more

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Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

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When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

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An honest politician is an oxymoron.

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A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat a...more

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It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.

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The lack of money is the root of all evil.

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This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth--ready to shout for any cause that will tickle its vanity or fill its pocket. ...more

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Humor is tragedy plus time.