"

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it see...more

"

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

"

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

"

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

"

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.

"

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

"

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

"

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

"

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

"

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

"

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

"

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

"

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

"

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

"

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.