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It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it see...more

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Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

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I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

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Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.

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What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

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I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A ga...more

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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

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Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

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I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

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I did stand-up comedy for 18 years. Ten of those years were spent learning, four years were spent refining, and four years were spent in wild success....more

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I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

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Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

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I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

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Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

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You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.