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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

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When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's ...more

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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

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If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

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Hermits have no peer pressure.

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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

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I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!

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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

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I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

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The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.