Steven Wright Quotes

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Ren...

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you stra...

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I ...

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches ...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seein...

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Rena...

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic br...

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m...

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across...

What's another word for thesaurus?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato...

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she tol...

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my r...

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with a...

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically a...

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space...

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last su...

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm comp...

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it go...

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. ...

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to ...

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral ...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f...

How young can you die of old age?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quo...

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what ...

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The bra...

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a m...

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idi...

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with t...

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in ther...

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop,...

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast...

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous...

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when...

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and...

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to gi...

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought ab...

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keep...