"

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

"

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

"

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

"

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

"

Hermits have no peer pressure.

"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

"

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

"

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!

"

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

"

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

"

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

"

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

"

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

"

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

"

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.