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I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of at...more

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Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

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All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

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I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

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A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of th...more

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Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

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When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through...more

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The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'...more

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I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was call...more

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Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa. Hyaa!' It's the sound ...more

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The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with ...more

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It was one of those situations I often find myself in while traveling. Something's said by a stranger I've been randomly thrown into contact with, and...more

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Owl love you forever

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Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d rather not think about – the sex of my guitar, for ...more

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What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that...more