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My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

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There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

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NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

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Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

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Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

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If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

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It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.