"My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
~ Stephen Colbert ~












It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean ...
Show MoreMore Stephen Colbert quotes
"Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my p...
"There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
"Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...i...
"Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
"Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
"If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
"NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ
"Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
"I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
"Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
"I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers ...
"If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
"We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our p...