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If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.

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Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them or...more

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Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

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My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

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I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everythi...more

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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my p...more

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There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

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Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...i...more

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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

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I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Ira...more

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In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

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NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

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Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

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I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers ...more