Stephen Colbert Quotes

Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't ...

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create mis...

We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I ...

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared t...

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean ...

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough...

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful pe...

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my f...

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim...

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstor...

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter'...

That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother's parenting sty...

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return ...

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delic...

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these sta...

In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an exp...

I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. ...

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcohol...

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about h...

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen ...

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuf...

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDAC...

As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empt...

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relations...

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when...

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show ...

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. I...

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of...

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that...

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn any...

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the...

So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying tomake them join the workfor...

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the ...

Maybe he’ll be different from who he was and always is.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoo...

If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked...

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she ...

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun wi...

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism ...

So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impa...

But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're ...

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, ...

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what c...

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Child...

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—th...

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority fi...

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their w...

Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself an...

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who a...

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons le...

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, li...

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn any...

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?