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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying.

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Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television.

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Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

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Ninety percent of living is just showing up.

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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

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All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

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I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.

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You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

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One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, yo...more

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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

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I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you k...more