Woody Allen Quotes

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressi...

David: And you think it can just evaporate? Even if at one time they loved one another?Marx: That's ...

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thoug...

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says...

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horr...

You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficu...

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty da...

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have instead of what you don't have.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious co...

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing-up.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Th...

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you dec...

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundre...

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the r...

How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get...

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've ...

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it...

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual com...

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If you're not failing you're not trying anything.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

If there is reincarnation I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem t...

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes un...

bullshit french post-war rationalizing

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If I could only see one miracle just one miracle. Like a burning bush or the seas part or my uncl...

If only God would give me a clear sign like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Those modern analysts they charge so much! In my day for five marks Freud himself would treat you....

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an inter...

One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a Godless universe, I ...

I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect but I still love him.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later t...

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence...

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Some guy hit my fender the other day and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in t...

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

I am two with nature.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I'm not the heroic type really. I was beaten up by Quakers.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know...

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depress...

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying...