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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

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The most expensive sex is free sex

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There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

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If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

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Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

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The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

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I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I w...more

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I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

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Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be...more

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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

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If there is reincarnation I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

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Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

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Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.