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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying.

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Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television.

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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

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There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

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If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

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Ninety percent of living is just showing up.

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I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.

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When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

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I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I w...more

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I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

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One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a Godless universe, I didn't want to go on living. Now I happen to own t...more

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Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be...more