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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

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There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

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If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

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Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

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I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I w...more

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I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

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Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be...more

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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

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Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

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Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

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Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.