"As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know th...
maybe somebody finally shot the dog.
More Dave Barry quotes
"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and ha...
"We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries...
"If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children....
"There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
"Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of sevent...
"Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hun...
"Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
"Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.
"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to...
"Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
"I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of ...
"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened r...