"

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

"

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

"

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

"

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.

"

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'...more

"

If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy.

"

I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

"

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consul...more

"

Realistically, most people have poor filters for sorting truth from fiction, and there’s no objective way to know if you’re particularly good at it or...more

"

Never use naughtiness in mixed company, unless your witticism is so funny that your audience will shoot tears of happiness out of their eyes with a ve...more

"

By the early-afternoon hours, if your brain is normal, it's running strictly on inertia and reflex. All you can do during those hours are the things t...more

"

The key to career advancement is appearing valuable despite all hard evidence to the contrary. … If you add any actual value to your company today, yo...more