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The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

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If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

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Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

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Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

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You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'...more

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If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy.

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I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consul...more

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Realistically, most people have poor filters for sorting truth from fiction, and there’s no objective way to know if you’re particularly good at it or...more

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Never use naughtiness in mixed company, unless your witticism is so funny that your audience will shoot tears of happiness out of their eyes with a ve...more

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By the early-afternoon hours, if your brain is normal, it's running strictly on inertia and reflex. All you can do during those hours are the things t...more

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The key to career advancement is appearing valuable despite all hard evidence to the contrary. … If you add any actual value to your company today, yo...more